being okay with being alone

    Hey all - shorter blog post for you today, but I just wanted to speak my mind about a topic that has been causing some conflict in my life and my personal desires, due to a multitude of factors.

    I've always loved being alone. When I was younger, I was always the kid at the family gatherings in the corner reading a book, lost in a fictional world rather than the real one. Of course I loved my friends and human interaction - I've even spent nearly a decade presenting myself as an extrovert in the majority of situations because I believed that is what I needed to do to succeed. But this really ended up prompting an internal battle with myself - did I like being around others, or was I better off alone?

    The answer to that question has fluctuated pretty regularly. From the habits I picked up as a child, I developed a tendency to recover from pain or stress alone, and only alone. Hearing others speak or even attempt to comfort me while I was angry or struggling was infuriating to me. I believe this may have developed over time as I grew to associate people, particularly older people, speaking to me or to each other as endlessly hostile. I struggled to balance respect for others with respect for myself, often finding myself either letting people walk all over me or being unnecessarily aggressive with others.

    What I've learned about being alone is that it's important to understand the balance between recovering from human interaction and finding time to develop your personal growth, and human interaction. As humans, most of us are simply not designed for the kind of consistent loneliness that drives people to despair. We are mammals that are meant to be in groups and build communities, but that is a privilege in today's society - particularly with the growing prevalence of digital presence. While of course there are people who truly thrive on their own, such as myself, it is crucial to find people who will support you through your personal journey and whom you can commit to supporting as well.

    Sometimes, the loneliness is crippling. I am taken back to 7th grade distance learning, losing every single friend group I thought I had, eternally trapped in the cycle of my family trauma, witnessing things every day that I would never wish upon everybody. I truly believe the hopelessness I felt during that low point in my life is what drove me to continue to pretend to be someone I wasn't for the next nearly half a decade.

    The most important thing you will learn in your younger years is that the easiest way to live life is to be kind to yourself and understand that everything is a journey, and everything is a lesson. That terrible relationship? A journey and a lesson. That argument with your mother that feels like the end of the world? A journey and a lesson. Failing a class in a subject that you thought you were going to base the rest of your life on? Yep - a journey and a lesson. 

    Finding your balance between spending time alone and nurturing the relationships that you truly care about? Absolutely a journey and a lesson, especially for us introverts that spend years struggling to understand how to get sufficient alone time while not neglecting the people who love us and whom we love in turn.

    It's currently 12:18 AM where I am today, and I'm getting a lot more tired and a lot less efficient with my words... but I want to end this short rant by thanking you all for giving me a platform on which I can share these kinds of deep things and ponderings into life safely, knowing it may help someone along the way.

    Remember that learning about yourself deeply is the best form of self care - please make time to understand your past, present, and your desires for the future. It unlocks a kindness towards yourself that makes dealing with hardships, and accepting prosperity with open arms in turn, much easier.

Signing off,

nexisphere