staying true to myself, reviving old interests... and DANDADAN?
These past two weeks I have been on insane journey of reviving my interests and learning to stay true to myself - and it all started with... Dandadan.
For those of you who aren't into the Japanese media scene, Dandadan is an anime series - season 1 of which was released October 4 of last year. That timing is important - especially for me. Season 2, however, was released 3 days ago. When did I have time to watch both seasons in 2 days you ask? I have no idea. It definitely didn't include staying up until 4 am. Nope.
To understand the significance of my watching this anime, we need to travel back 5 years to peak COVID-19 time. Those of us with access to internet services were indulging in media to a much higher degree than previously seen. One of the effects of the majority of the human population being delegated to communication and entertainment through virtual means is the rapid spread of different forms of leisure. One of these was anime. While anime had of course had decades and decades to develop its prominence worldwide as a major source of entertainment, COVID-19 was when it began to become what one could call "mainstream" - for a strange, unnatural blip in time, anime became "popular." The same people who had been teased to no end for watching these "strange" cartoons with their unparalleled unique plots and occasionally abhorrent fan service were now flooded with thousands upon thousands of people beginning to enter and indulge in the genre. I'll admit - one of those newbies was me.
My anime journey began by watching Haikyuu - I will never, ever forget the feeling I had opening that first episode of Haikyuu. It wasn't just the beautiful animation, no. It's the comfort I found in the strangeness and familiarity of the characters behaviors. They could go from sobbing about their lost grandma, to giving a speech about the meaning of life and the significance of individuality, to performing scientifically impossible acrobatics moves to acquire a sweet treat. If you haven't watched anime before, I highly recommend you watch an episode of Haikyuu or Dandadan to understand what I am talking about.
From Hinata improving his volleyball skills to Aang from ATLA staying true to the value he placed in human life and showing mercy (I KNOW ATLA is not an anime since it is not an actual Japanese animation, but the animation style and tendencies / anime logic is present throughout, so let it slide please...), even the characters that experience the most dramatic of transformations and growth are able to keep their quest, personality, and intent at the forefront of their lives. Every anime provides an example (sometimes extreme, yes) of what is possible when one is able to improve and grow past the boundaries of what they or anyone else thought was possible while simultaneously maintaining that individuality and sense of purpose in the hardest moments, as our MCs so often go on tangents about.
Getting a bit more personal, anime during this time also represented connection and community during a time when isolation and loneliness were prevailing across society. I found solace not only in these outward communities, but the connections this passion of mine was able to bridge between my family members. I look back fondly upon my nights staying up late with my cousin and best friend to binge watch seasons of My Hero Academia and Jujutsu Kaisen, laughing hysterically at the character's strange habits and sobbing at the most agonizing backstories one could come up with. That emotional connection is something I can always look back on as an experience I was able to share with someone who I am not able to be as close with anymore.
Now, as you've read the title of this blog, you may assume that I must have stopped watching anime at some point due to the fact that I had to "revive" this interest. You would be correct. This change began about 2 years ago at the beginning of sophomore year. After my parents had split up and after the agonizing summer I had had, I was ready to let go of my past self and step into a new version of me - one that more people would want to be friends with. At the same time, the fascinating uptick of interest in anime was on a downward plunge - as real human interaction increased, many of those virtual bonds and interests were severed under the weight of judgement and a reversion to the ways of past - at least in my school. I remember watching an old classmate be ridiculed in the hallway for his backpack adorned with anime keychains, and feeing sick to my stomach not only at his pain but at the fact that I could see myself placed in the same position. Exhausted of the ostracism after experiencing the same thing on a larger scale with my family, I bowed to the pressure and erased that part of myself. Before about 2 weeks ago, I hadn't watched an anime episode in over two weeks.
While many of the changes I enacted in my life during this period of misguided transformation, such as joining clubs like Robotics and Swim & Dive, are decisions I stand by to this day and am grateful I had the opportunity to make, erasing this portion of my creativity, community, and personal indulgence was one of my worse ideas... I didn't just cut out watching these shows and remove myself from this digital community I had found a home in - I erased every trace of it's effects on my life. I got rid of all my anime stickers, tore down the posters from my bookshelf, and wiped my room clean of it's personality and charm in order to fit in to the popular "clean girl" aesthetic.
Neatness and monotony are two different things, but in an effort to cleanse my life of the chaos I had been experiencing in my relationships, I accidentally cleansed myself of my passion and color.
At the same time, I also tried to replace this passion with what had become mainstream media, with kdramas like Squid Game and reality shows like Love Island. I was forcing myself to increase my already ridiculous screen time in order to watch shows that did not spark the slightest bit of excitement in me - ridiculous, isn't it? But at the time, what I wanted so desperately was to fit in and distance myself from the pain and loneliness I had also attached to my previous identity, and I succeeded - strangely to no avail.
Of course, self-understanding can take years - and it did take me that long to understand what I was truly doing to myself and the futility of the situation I was trying so hard to keep under control. Junior year was exhausting yes, but not just because of academics and the looming fear of college and adulthood. I spent the entire year shoving myself into a box of appetizing snacks for others to feast on as they pleased. I changed my appearance, spent hours worrying about my body, worried about the way I spoke, and was even more concerned with the way others perceived my friendships and relationships than how I actually felt about them. Awful, I know, but the final break down after AP tests and Robotics were lifted off my back was the last straw. I had done all this and still felt terrible, hadn't allowed myself to be passionate about anything that would have previously given me the energy to power through the hardship I had placed myself into. More than replacing the shows I watched, I had replaced myself with a boring, basic, unenthusiastic yet self-absorbed clone.
Of course, this is something I have been working through all summer, but I feel anime is one tangible and continuous medium through which I can express this journey. For example, near the end of the school year and beginning of this summer, just a few months ago, I found myself face to face with My Hero Academia again. Getting back into anime was something I knew would help me on this journey of reigniting my passion for storytelling and art - but it didn't feel the same. The entire time I was watching, I kept glancing at my phone for my "friends" to message me back or thinking about how I would explain what I was doing to the people who may not understand why I was going back to watching these cartoons. I wasn't quite ready to understand that divulging in these interests did not mean returning to the old ways of life I had tried so hard to escape from. The shows and the trauma I faced at the same time and afterwards were not one and the same - in fact, outside of the bullying inside school, they were mostly unrelated.
And now, Dandadan. First, I need you to understand the sheer amazement I found myself in as I witnessed this beautiful piece of art. Yokinobu Tatsu is a master of his craft. But more importantly, the ridiculous premise yet simultaneously endearing and chaotic scenes imbued throughout priceless character dialogue and unique character design was just... chef's kiss. It inspired me in a way I hadn't felt in a long, long, time. I think it says something that one of the animes most widely acclaimed for being "truly strange"in an already strange industry was what it took to snap me out of my stupor. The color, brightness, excitement, and enthusiasm of the characters, and the similar characteristic in the enormous, proud, and (usually) welcome community makes me proud to be an anime watcher again.
What's next you ask? Not sure - I'll have to check the 100+ anime long list I have already amassed. In all seriousness, I've already began investing more heavily into my creativity through the arts, design, figurines, and of course, writing. You may find that looking into my past blog posts, you don't feel the same energy and excitement as I feel writing this one (I know the majority haven't been migrated yet... the backlog will be here from Medium soon I promise).
Now some of you, particularly those who have never experienced anime or manga or find yourself more deeply rooted in reality and nonfiction rather than finding deep connection and meaning in imaginary characters dancing across a screen, may not understand this post or find it dramatic. And I understand. But I want you to understand that the point of this journey was finding not only confidence but solace in one's curiosity and interests, and letting free those passions which spark the flame of inspiration within you rather than suffocating them under the command of societal constraint or desperation for approval - regardless of whom you seek it from.
Now don't be surprised if my following blog posts end up having anime memes strewn about - I'm not ashamed anymore. If you are a fellow anime watcher, please drop some recommendations below - I'm open to anything :)
Also - you might have noticed I've even changed my profile picture to the MC, Momo Ayase. To me, she represents the pinnacle, yet not the end, of this strange yet transformative journey I have found myself on - similar to the one she and Otakun found themselves in throughout the show. Her headstrong yet compassionate, creative, and intelligent nature remind me to embrace my multifaceted being and personality rather than trying to fit myself in as many boxes as possible again. Alright, I've dropped enough teasers - go watch the show, even if it is your first anime. Don't be scared away by the seemingly ridiculous premise and bad jokes. Let yourself drift across the gravel on the journey to laughter, tears, and the understanding that no challenge is insurmountable when approached with confidence and sureness in oneself - and perhaps some help by a Turbo Granny.
Signing off,
nexisphere & Turbo Granny
Comments
Post a Comment